Waking Life

So I’m kind of seeing this guy.

Kind of, because we aren’t together like we should be. Kind of, because we’ve fooled around a bunch but we don’t talk about it later. Kind of, because he has a girlfriend.

We’ve been friends for a long time now. Good friends. And I admit that I’ve always had a thing for him. But nothing ever happened because I figured he was straight. He’s had the same girlfriend for two years now.

But then about a month ago, we’re sitting at his place watching a movie, and he keeps sitting closer to me. He’d get up for a beer or something, and sit back down much closer to me on the couch. Eventually he was leaning on me, and grabbed my hand.

We sat there, holding hands, for a long time. We didn’t talk at all. I was terrified because I would have never seen this coming. I didn’t know if he was fucking with me or something to see if I’d go along with it. But I knew he wouldn’t do that. We’re good friends on good terms, and he’d have no reason for it.

So then he turns his head to face me. And I turn mine towards his. And we kissed.

We kissed a lot. And took off each other’s shirts and made-out until the end of the movie.

And then we fell asleep in each other’s arms. Woke up when the sun peaked through the window, and went on with the day as if nothing had happened.

I didn’t want to bring it up. Not with him, and I didn’t want to say anything to anyone else. So I ignored it. Because maybe it was a mistake. Like a one time deal. Like he just wanted to see what it was like. Because we weren’t drunk, and there was no other scapegoat for this random act.

But then a few nights later, it happened again. He called me over to his place. I figured it was just another night with the guys hanging out there. Get drunk, smoke up, and all that.

But he was the only one there when I got there. So we cracked open a few beers, and popped in a flick. Like the other night, he sat right next to me on the couch.

But unlike the other night, we got right into it. Soon our clothes were off and we were rolling around. He went down on me first, and then it was my turn. The night continued like that. Until again we fell asleep, together, and woke up to another day of pretending nothing happened.

But I didn’t want to pretend that nothing happened. Because I wanted to know what was up. Why was this happening? Why was he cheating on his girlfriend of two years, for one of his guy friends.

So I confronted him. That night we went for a drive by the water, and I asked him what was up. At first he played dumb, but soon gave in and actually started crying. He said that some how, after our long friendship, he’d fallen for me. And he couldn’t explain it. Because he’d never fallen for another guy. And he was confused about what to do with his girlfriend.

Because he’s moving away soon. And him and his girl plan on staying together. They want to make it happen, like forever. But now he doesn’t know what he wants.

So we still do shit. A month later we still fool around, almost every night now, and yet during the waking hours, we have to pretend that nothing’s going on.

And I’m kind of pissed off and I don’t know what to do. Because I love this kid, but I don’t want to be fucked around with. I had to deal with this girlfriend shit with Nathan, and I’m not about to let it happen again. Because I’m older now, and I know there are better things out there than to have to wait around for someone to figure their shit out.

So yeah. He leaves in a week or two. Whatever.

 2002-08-17 - 4:20 a.m.

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