First Love

-this entry is kind of a continuance from this previous entry. I wasn't really in the mood to write then.

Nathan came to my window around midnight. It was Valentine's Day, so he had just been at Sarah's house. They had gone out to eat and then watched a movie or something.

I hadn't planned on doing anything special with him. Valentine's Day seems kind of pointless to me anyway- I mean, I just don't think a day set aside to be extra special for a person and their significant other is necessary. Every moment I spend with the person I love is increasingly special.

But anyway, like I was saying, I hadn't expected anything but hanging out in my room and kissing and such. Just like every other night. But apparently Nathan had the entire night planned out.

I gazed into his beautiful eyes and we both smiled. I swear that is how every night started out. With this look. A look that I've never experienced with anyone else. A look that was able to communicate everything and nothing. A look that whispered, it's you. And it is you that means everything to me. --it's kind of hard to explain.

Before we greeted each other with a kiss, he handed me something. A present. Better than chocolates or any other generic Valentine's Day present. It was a mix-tape.

The Smiths, Björk, The Flaming Lips, The Cure, Bouncing Souls, Sonic Youth, Hole, Smashing Pumpkins, Pearl Jam, Toadies, Led Zepplin, Weezer. I can't remember them all, but every single song was beautiful, and made me so happy.

After attacking him with a million hugs and kisses, Nathan told me he wanted to go for a drive.

The moon was a paper-thin slit, which made the stars seem even brighter. We drove with the windows down and my new tape blaring through his small speakers. The whole world was just the two of us; cutting through this beautiful night.

We pulled into Jamison Woods and parked in the center of the clearing. It was the middle of the week, so we didn't have to worry about anyone showing up.

Lying in the bed of his pickup truck. Watching for shooting stars. He turned to me. Looked deep into my eyes. Into my soul. And in a small, serious voice, whispered, "I love you."

I smiled, and he leaned in and kissed me.

And then, I don't know what happened. But I started to cry.

Nathan looked like he had just stepped on a puppy when he asked, "What's wrong?"

Still crying, I sighed and told him that I couldn't say it in return. That it was too hard. He was still dating Sarah, and that killed me. That he hid behind her to keep everyone happy. To make him look straight and for him to feel normal.

That's when he started to cry. And he started to say all the right things. That he feels better than ever when he is with me. That things were how they had to be.

And I cried harder.

God, I loved him though. More than anything.

I should have just told him that. It would have made everything perfect. But I couldn't. Everything could never be perfect. I had to break and that was the moment. So we cried. And cried. Holding each other tighter with every tear.

Things just weren't the same after that night.

 2002-01-12 - 2:07 a.m.

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