Summer Update
An entire month with no entry. Sorry. I’m turning back to my old ways.
So an update is in order::
Summer - The weather is brilliant. I’m always in a fantastic mood. These three months of summer are my absolute favorite. Early fall is a close second, but damn. June, July, and August are when I’m in my peak in life. Like everything is always working out. I’m never stressed or worried about anything. I’m in this constant pursuit of fun, and I don’t let anything get in my way. It’s like being on coke without all of those shitty things that, ya know, happen with coke.
Toby - Yes, Toby is still in my life. More than ever it seems. I don’t know what to do. I’m completely in love with the most wonderful and the most horrible person at the same time. I mean, he treats me good, we get along, and when I’m with him I feel all giddy and goofy and spacey like I’m on something. But we’re not together. Like officially. And haven’t been for some time now. Yet we hang out every day. Every moment of the day when possible. I feel like I haven’t seen some of my friends in ages because I’ve accidentally pushed him to the top of my list. And every time I try and push him away, because I know that it needs to be done, he does something that just makes me want to die. Because it is so damn cute, or sexy, or hot, or considerate, or thoughtful.
We’ve started making love again. And I should use that term loosely. Because the first time we did it in so long was not making love. It was lusty animal sex. Fucking. Like we were so horny for each other for so long, it just had to be let out. And wow, it did. Like five times in one night. ….and a few the next morning.
I mean, imagine this person. Who you broke up with because you thought it was for the best. And you continue to see this person every day. And they sleep in your bed. And you in theirs. And you realize you’re so completely stupid in love. Still. But you lie next to this person. Night after night. And you refuse to let anything happen more than kissing. And you push him away. When you really just want to rip his clothes off and melt into him, just one last time. But instead you lie awake. And the feeling in your stomach burns so hot you start to feel sick.
So yes. We have sex – make love – whatever. I guess it depends on the night. But I know we shouldn’t. Because I know he’s having sex with some girl. That it seems he plays with her on a string. And she doesn’t know about us. To her, I’m his “best friend.” She gets jealous because he spends time with me. And she treats me like shit. Because he treats her like shit. Just because he has some weird complex that he needs pussy. Like he feels more straight or something by having sex with her. It is so fucked up. Yeah, I’m bisexual too, but I got over that whole – making sure I balance out the guys-to-girls ratio thing – in high school. Whatever.
So with Toby, the current situation is like this. He sees her in the morning. Then comes over and wakes me up (either in his or my bed. she never stays over at his or him at hers). We usually fool around while making breakfast. Sit outside and eat. Sex. Driving around. Lunch. Video games. Sex. This and that. Blah blah blah. Until she gets off work. And he eats dinner with her. Puts her to bed. And then either comes over or calls me over. Then more sex.
Yes, I’m horny in the summer. Luckily, so is he.
So I don’t know what to do. And I don’t really care at the moment. I just know that when fall comes around, some shit is going to go down. Like it always does in my life. But like always, I’m going to wait to deal with it until then.
2003-07-02 - 1:16 a.m.