Sean

Entering the office last Thursday with a pocket full of Excedrin and a large iced chai in hand. I was wearing the black Dior Overshines because they are big enough to cover bags and dark enough to hide the red in your eyes. Like every Thursday, I was hungover from the weekly Humpday celebrations at the club.

I said the obligatory good mornings to those who made eye contact, and swiftly made way to my office.

Peace. Serenity. And Solitaire on the computer. Benefits of having your own office. You're at work, but no one knows that you're not working just because you had too many Manhattans last night.

Heaven was suddenly shattered when Derrick, my sweaty, fifty-something, JC Penny-from-a-decade-ago suit-wearing "boss" burst through the door.

"Damien! Great news!"

I don't care how great it is, just please lower your voice...

"I'm sending you to Okinawa!"

This actually made me perk up enough to forget about my dying liver. "Really? When?"

"Tomorrow. Your flight leaves at Noon."

"Cool."

I immediately phoned Beth to, well... brag.

"Shut up!"

"I know, right!?"

Suddenly we're teenagers again.

Normally when I travel it's between the LA and NYC offices. Sometimes a visit to Chicago, and if I'm lucky, I'll get to go some where in Europe, but this only happens every few months. Okinawa was the client I was wishing for, but had always assumed would go to someone else. Apparently my space-out-all-day Thursday ritual had gone unnoticed.

Fast forward to dinner at that place with the really good salmon rolls.

"You know who lives in Okinawa don't you?" Beth said while sporting that shit-eating grin.

"What! You actually know someone who lives there?"

Still smiling, she replied, "Well he doesn't really live there... he's stationed there."

"What! You actually know someone in the army?"

"Remember Sean Jordan? You had a major crush on him when we were seniors in high school. He was a Freshman."

"Oh my God! The FILF!?"

FILF = Freshman I'd Like to Fuck, if you didn't catch that. Yeah, we were clever.

So apparently Sean joined the army soon after high school. I hadn't seen or heard from him since I graduated. We were party friends, saying that we would see each other at parties, chat, smoke, play cards, etc., but we'd never socialize outside that environment, aside from the casual nod when passing in the hallway at school.

And as stated by Beth, I had a major crush on him at the time. He was tall. Taller than me, even though I was three years older than him. He had dark hair, dark eyes, tan skin, and a smile that would melt me into a little puddle.

Sadly, nothing really ever happened between us at any of these parties. As far as I knew he was straight and I wasn't about to ask him otherwise. I think by then, most of the school knew I was gay - not that I had come-out to anyone but my closest friends, but rumors had been established. Of course, no one ever asked me. Small towns ignore anything that doesn't fit into heteronormativity.

For some reason, I always had a sense that Sean knew. And that he either didn't care or that he may have had a crush on me as well. I had faith in the latter. Especially after the time we got high in Rick's garage. The night we sat alone in the dark and talked for hours. The party inside didn't matter - it was just muffled noise in the distance. We sat cross-legged, facing each other on the couch that was actually just a backseat that had been removed from a minivan. He poured out to me about his girlfriend sleeping with his bestfriend. I listened. Trying to only say the right things. When he started to cry, I thought he would get up and leave, embarrassed. Instead he leaned in and gave me a hug which lasted longer than I expected. He fell asleep on my lap with me running my hands through his soft brown hair.

Ok, sorry. Went off on a tangent there.

It's late, I'll continue with Okinawa tomorrow...

 2006-08-01 - 2:17 a.m.

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