The Makeup.

Currently, my life is still pretty chaotic. I'm still not in the mood to write about it, so I'm going to talk about something that happened a long time ago.

Nathan never came to my window after that night. I was so confused and so heart-broken. After the drunken incident at school, I had been seeing Aaron.

Aaron and I didn't click like Nathan and I did. Aaron wasn't as smart as Nathan, and didn't have the special thing which attracted me to Nathan. I can't describe it- I guess I can just call it love. And I could no longer see my love.

So I was young, and I was stupid. To cover my sadness, I "dated" Aaron. Aaron the quarterback. Aaron the chick magnet. And it took my mind off Nathan- even though when I was with Aaron, I was constantly thinking about Nathan.

So one night in early March, Aaron showed up to my window. We fooled around. The usual. Then we kind of just laid in my bed. Holding each other. I gazed into his beautiful eyes. The eyes that I wished belonged to someone else.

It just happened to be the night which that someone else decided to show up.

The window opened and I knew it was him. None of my friends would come over this late. So my mind scrambled to find an excuse, but there was nothing that could explain the situation.

Here he was. Coming to apologize. Set things right. Because everything could have worked out.

But there I was. When he flipped on the light. Lying naked, with another boy.

The moment he saw us, his expression sank, and he slowly shook his head. I jumped out of bed and threw some pants on, before I stopped him outside the window.

I can't remember what words I said to apologize, but it didn't matter. He just pushed me away and continued walking.

By this time I was crying out loud. I didn't care if anyone heard us at that moment. This was the guy I loved, and I just fucked everything up.

So he stopped. He took me in his arms, where I cried even harder. It's true that he hadn't said a word to me since that night. True that if he hadn't come that night, I would have thought it was officially over. But it obviously wasn't.

He took me to his truck so I wouldn't be so loud. Tried to calm me down, before he started asking all the questions.

"Why are you doing this, and why are you so upset? Why are you with him? Did you think it was over? I couldn't just walk away from something like this!"

Everything made me cry harder. I was crying because it was my mistake, and I had been caught in the act. If I had been smart, or mature, I would have called him to figure things out. But I wasn't. So I was careless and fucked around with another boy. But it wasn't my entire fault. There was the whole other side of the relationship. The side that never came by anymore, and ignored me in school.

Nathan took me for a short drive to calm me down. Then he took me back to his house. It was the first time I had ever been there.

Aaron must have left my house after I took off after Nathan. He wasn't on my mind though. I hated him right then, even though I had no reason. Even though it was my fault that anything happened between us.

So we crept through Nathan's house, because we didn't want to wake his dad. I was still pretty shaken up. I don't think I've ever felt that bad.

But Nathan was so good. So nice about everything. I mean, I obviously felt bad. I was practically hyper-ventilating.

He took me to his room. It was just like I had imagined it- even in the dark. It smelled like him, which made me happy. Made me comfortable.

We laid in his bed. I told him I was sorry- one of the first times I had said anything after leaving my house.

He just shushed me, and told me to go to sleep. So I did. Tight in his arms again.

And it felt so right.

 2002-02-02 - 2:37 a.m.

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